The next frontier.

I've got to admit it. I'm a 22 year old who has never been kissed. And not like that Drew Barrymore "I've been kissed but never KISSED" kind of never been kissed. Like no one's lips have ever romantically wandered over to mine.

I was once in the bar with a friend of mine on his 21st birthday. Others were purchasing him drinks in celebration and he kept saying "this is what a girl must feel like". I finally asked him if he thought all girls were permanently drunk, and he explained that he had never had so many people buy him drinks. I was shocked. (Granted I don't like alcohol so I would need a drink like a fish needs a bicycle, but that's besides the point.) I've never had anyone buy me a drink outside of my birthday and I'm pretty darn sure that I am a girl. I made this remark to him and he said that I wasn't capitalizing on womanly merits. While this is pretty dang sexist, I was oddly complimented that I could in fact urge a man to buy me a drink using my very own "womanly merits".

I am using this incident as an example. I aim to say that my kissless existence is by choice, or rather, by avoidance and not because I am a hands-down loner with halitosis.

During college, when my friends were "hooking up" and "dating" and later "getting married", I would set silly goals for myself. The last was to be kissed before I had to do a kiss for a play I was in (one obviously not met and thankfully the playkiss was cut). These goals seemed to be created so I could say to myself, "hey, it's okay that you haven't crossed this threshold...just wait your turn". There was nothing wrong with me, I was just picky and extremely oblivious. I realize after thinking about it that these goals, along with a hyperactive imagination have carefully etched a boundary between what I want to keep in my imagination and what I want to experience in real life.

It is not that I fear commitment. I have been lucky enough to have the same really close friends for the past decade or so. I have had (and still have) the same three best friends since 6th grade. We still write, talk on the phone and make a point to get together as much as we can. We all live in different states, so this feat is pretty impressive. I also was lucky enough to make yet another best friend in college (my other three went to different schools). I am myself around these four girls. I hide no emotions, I open my heart to them. I love them like sisters and am pretty sure I will always hold these feelings for them. I find it so easy to slip into deep friendships, and especially with these girls. So thinking about it, emotional commitment is not my problem.

Since graduating, I have given this fear of a physical relationship a lot of thought. I have never invested much in my appearance. I'm not homely, but I'm no model. I think my apprehension lies in the unknown. I cannot perform a mind experiment on what can only be felt in the physical world. There is no way for me to solely academically approach this realm of touch. The kiss is only experienced when performed. I hate not knowing what to expect. (I think this is why I love historical movies or movies based on books I've read. And why I hated I, Robot...NOTHING like Asimov's book!) I've had more deeper relationships with other humans than many can say, yet I am in the minority in my age group in terms of crossing that final frontier. What scares me is the fact that I don't think I even want to. What is even worse is that I don't know whether this fear arises from having a bad experience or if I just don't ever want a relationship. Which of those options is worse? It seems to me they both kinda suck. Dang.

This blog is sad.

So now I'm going to leave you with this uplifting story.

Once there was a pink unicorn who wished for a rainbow. He (it takes a manly mancorn to be a PINK unicorn, but he had the gall) had heard such pretty and good things about them that he wanted to see what it looked like. So he went to his closest friends, the cheery chipmunks with giant eyes (because all cheery chipmunks need to have giant, innocent eyes) and asked them if they could help him in his quest to see a rainbow. So all the friends boarded a plane for Ireland, saw a beautiful Irish rainbow spanning the rolling green countryside, and caught a leprachaun (so he can be friends with them too) and now they make rainbow cookies for a living. The end.