This entire Christmas I've been feeling sorry for myself. I didn't get to see my family (the family I usually see for Christmas) and therefore, it isn't officially christmas. How awful!
The thing is, I've got myself. I'm a pretty dang creative person. I like to think that I have the facilities to be positive. When my parents divorced, I got TWICE the storage most kids get. Also, I get TWO sweet christmas presents. And when I was in college and I wanted $100, I could just call each parent and ask for $50. (It's true, Mom and Dad. Sorry.) And to avoid sounding selfish, each parent grew as people. And each are still able to find bits of happiness.
I wish I was with my relatives. I wish I could hug them (I can't remember the last time I was hugged...). I wish I could just sit there and feel warm with them and drink chai tea, a drink that will always remind me of my aunts Leslie and Kris and my cousin Sara. While wishes are lovely, they will eventually turn your optimism into self-pity when you realize that some wishes can't come true.
I've got a lot of time to myself, and I'm not such a bad person to be around. I've caught up on my television shows, I've watched some Woody Allen movies, I've completed a pair of socks and am working on this really nice hat for my uncle. I'm listening to Rat Packers sing christmas tunes and I've also gotten a chance to relax and melt into myself. I have my capacity to think and to enjoy the little things. I'm alive, I can make myself laugh, I have people who love me calling me everyday to make sure I'm okay. I am really lucky.
Why does it take a holiday to make me realize how great and wonderful life is?
One of my favorite things to do is to look at what I'm doing and create an analogy as to how it can relate to the bigger picture. This is how I'm looking at my christmas:
My family listens to the same christmas music. It never gets old, and will always remind me of what I'm used to "Christmas" feeling like. While our music may be unconventional, it encompasses what Christmas means to me. It is supposed to feel like slipping on warm socks that fit perfectly. It is not supposed to feel like a production, just like a time to get together and fit into one another's hearts snugly. Right now I'm listening to the same Christmas songs, but by different artists. I've realized that I need to understand that I am getting older. I will not always have that snug holiday. Maybe I need to listen and learn to love those other songs, to see the beauty in the differing faces of what this season really means.
2 comments:
Christmases will change, but they can still be wonderful, just different. Eventually the change fells nromal, but the memories will still feel warm.
Mama
Christmases will change, but they can still be wonderful, just different. Eventually the change fells normal, but the memories will still feel warm.
Mama
Post a Comment