While I love where I am and what I do, I am always worried about the future. My internship is only for six months, and to be honest, I do not see myself data mining for the rest of my days. My pool of thought is somewhat shallow to begin with, but my future coats the surface like an oily residue.
Speaking of pools, that is where I do most of my thinking about the future. Swimming is so lovely and by going into work early, I get the chance to have a longer lunch break and do a real swim workout (between 2000 and 2500). Having something to ponder while I do the backstroke makes the work seem less and disconnects my mind from the soreness of my body. Today I gave a lot of thought towards my options.
The problem with thinking about what I want to do with my life is that I want to do so many things that are not at all related (unless I can write for an environmentally oriented syndicated comedy show). Some days I want to move to New York and pursue comedy writing. Others I want to work for the CDC, becoming an epidemiologist. Sometimes I just want to pick up everything and move to another english speaking country, but where the accents and the scenery are different. Today I wished beyond wishing that I could regularly meet with a therapist to calm my cyclothymia.
Because of a serious bout with depression my junior year of college, I decided to go to a psychaitrist and see if there was something else wrong with me. He told me I have cyclic depression and gave me pills (Lexapro, which oddly was the on the pen I got from my boss on the first day working here). The pills just dulled my mind and made me sleepy, so I decided to go off them. I've been fine and while the depression isn't great; in a fight between it and doing what I want, my determination always wins. When I applied for the Peace Corps this last year, everything was going great (I hadn't seen the psychaitrist since the pills) until they told me I couldn't go because I didn't pass medical screening.
My whole college career I had this goal: after graduation, Peace Corps. When I learned this was not currently an option, I was devastated. I know I can get another chance, and the rack of rejection has haunted me. But it is something I deeply deeply want: an adventure that is for me and that I long to go on. So I will not give up. I will not give up. There is a way to fix this, and my depression (although oftentimes pretty demanding) can still be overcome with my strong will and one-track-mindedness.
This is what I promised myself today while doing a 150 backstroke. And now I can't forget.
1 comment:
I am a Peace Corps applicant and came upon your blog because I was hoping to find some insight on the predicament that I am having at the moment and which is very similar to yours.
You said that you will have "another chance." Does that mean that they encourage you to keep applying later on? I truly hope so.
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